he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
