I just saw a hot homeless man
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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