I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
