dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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