just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
