This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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