After last night, I could never be a politician.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
operation have a gay friend backfired
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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