so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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