I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
