Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize