someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
