She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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