I am midnight drunk by noon
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize