why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We are all done wearing pants today
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
