He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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