My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
