yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize