How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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