yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
