you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
