I puked a lego.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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