Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
