my mouth tastes like poor choices
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I could make wine with my vomit
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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