I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
