If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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