Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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