You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
