im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
