Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
