we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
