You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
