Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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