me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
