youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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