i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
