I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize