when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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