I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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