I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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