All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
