I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
