my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
