matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
