She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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