just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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