Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
