I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize