yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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