I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Everyone says I win the strip club
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
