Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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