C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
