My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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