I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize