My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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