Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
