If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
