my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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