Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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