This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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