who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
