I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
