just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
