remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
