Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
