I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
