I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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