I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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