she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm passing your future prison.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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