Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
