Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize