I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
