I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
